This is a dispatch from the journal, randomly chosen, dated January 7, 2025.

“When you bow to the moment, the moment bows back.” - zen teacher, related by Jack Kornfield

Be conscious of your feelings- the blood, the heart, the lung, sense the body elegantly. No need to hover above the body. Instead, commit. Commit one hundred percent in your body and in life.

Once I climbed a steep hill through scrub grass and mud, tangles of wild rose bushes, around stands of Saskatoons (Serviceberry), my feet pressing small stones deeper and deeper into the earth.

I do not see much. I do not feel much. Only numb. That’s what, it seems, I want to feel: nothing. My jaw clenches, my shoulders ache- familiar, this suffering. A family of painful memories who want my attention. I refuse. I refuse. I refuse.

I carry my resistance, my numbness up this steep hill, pounding my feet now, pushing my legs though they also ache. No. No. No. No. No.

You are failing. No

You are getting better. No

You are losing your way. No

You are finding your way. No

You. NO

I am tired of myself. Exhausted from listening to my voice. Worn out from solving problem after problem. Do I want to give up? Absolutely.

I am climbing a steep hill to push myself into some other dimension, some other perspective, some change. I want change. I want change. I want change.

Near the top of the hill, a cluster of Aspen trees flourish in a dip before the land crests again to the west. Protected from the west wind, in a circle of sun from all directions, cradled here with access to enough water, enough snow.

I walk towards them as if I were walking home, into a kitchen of people who love me; all of them smiling as I walk into the room. I walk towards them as if I believe I am a failure, head down, shame rising and rising.

My mind is in the plague, images created by viruses: fear, dark, restricted breath, weighted down by a thousand ropes, water rising all around.

I don't hesitate to walk into the centre of their tree-dom, head bowed.

Please help me. Please, help me. However you can help me, please help me.