Dispatch from the Arbornaut. February 14, 2023

Note: This is part of a continuing series of randomly-chosen dispatches I’ve written. There are dozens and dozens of them. I am engaged in a process to release the petals to the wind. To start each moment fresh. I am asking “What am I clinging to for fear of nothing to take its place?” It is okay that you, the reader, do not know any of the names mentioned in this post. Please read for the energy. Notice how you experience the text…

Took a photo just now of my office space. Just directly, but slightly askew because of the angle of my chair to face the widest part of the room, reach the furthest corners with my gaze from atop my podium. And today I am sitting on top of my meditation cushion in the chair. With a heating pad across my back. I find heat on my back to be so comforting.

When I am at a retreat, sometimes dinner conversations or lunch conversations skew me in an unanticipated direction. Once, one of the participants says, “you know what a hand held against the shoulder means? What it represents? What we experience it as?” I wait for him to answer. “Support. It’s so obvious. Support!” We laugh and we slip into a bit of a collective sigh, each of us noticing how thinking of the action evokes the feeling, the memory, of how powerful memory is.

How I show up matters. I’ve been writing this on the scroll for several days now. And I’m having a panoramic experience of what showing up looks like and about how it matters. I think when I’m calm and accepting, I create waves of it around me. I think my ability to power my body’s physical calm. My mind’s calm. I balance many moods. Not just my own. I’m committed to noticing how my experience of calm floats among the ones I love. How my experience of anxiety is related to the experiences I’m creating in response to the external stimuli. My body tells me what it is experiencing.

Today it has experienced a period of unease, of relaxing, of meeting, of appreciating, of joy, of engagement, of joy, of love, of awe, of sadness and strength surrounding a death…details below:

Dear T and P,

I dreamed of you both today. At about 1 p.m. I was working quietly and I felt a huge tug. A pull to meditate. Almost immediately, T, you were there. You were trying to get me ready. You needed me to get into meditation. Now. K and L and B needed us and you’ve been calling and I haven’t been answering but what matters is I’m here. What matters is I’m here. I try to understand where here is. And then I hear…How you show up matters. And I say, I’ve been writing that on my scroll for days. How you show up matters.

T: “That’s been me! I’ve been calling you!!

Me: Really? You?

T: No. A whole group of us. Not just me. You’re in a group. Oh, you’ll see.

The narrative ends for awhile and I feel. My body becomes acutely focused. I feel like I’m speeding by life, zooming. Like I can see it all passing so quickly. And I love this feeling. I play with it. Finally I slow it down. I can feel the feeling of slowing down the breath, breathing from a closer locus.

The narrative begins to rev up as the body calms down.

And in my dream I’m in a circle, we’re all there, a big group and we’re holding hands, all of us. And we meditate together and we move into particle phase and then light. We’re pure light. Pinpricks in the air. And B is there and we have a 360 degree view from wherever we are, we can always see them (K/l and B) and T is able to pinpoint where our attention needs to go.

“Mar’ce! Mar’ce! Over here.” T is directing traffic from her spot. I can see the shape of T, the swing of her hair, the force of her body, the slightest of haze of T.

“I need you to listen.” (You are my mother now, trying to help me get through some trouble we’ve fallen into, only in this case we’re here in gratitude. Thankfulness. Full of heart.)

“You’re here for a reason. Focus. L. K. B. Flow between them.”

We are a dome of pinpricks of light. We shine all around the three of them and our energy surges in response to theirs. K and L get glimpses of us. B sees us. More of us. And then she sees us all. She begins to relax. Her breathing relaxes. She experiences the in-between, the reciprocal space between…

“Mom. I’m really, really, really sorry. I love you.”

“B, we are glad you are healthy in your heart. You know love. That is the most important thing.”

“Thank you.”

The flow of energy moves in waves, long and gentle and short and choppy. It’s a record. A symphony. A movement of love.

Much more happens but I can’t remember now. I think it’s meant to be shared in a different format or a different context.

I had that experience. Today.

And, I wrote this too: as if the context were slightly different when I met T and P in a lucid dream.

“Wow. It’s so amazing you’re here. We’ve been totally waiting on you. We knew you’d find us.

What a cool way to live.

Totally. That’s P speaking. It’s great. I like the drinks by the pool. Just kidding.

Is this real?

Yes. T says.

So today has been an interesting sort of day. Full of adventure I didn’t expect. Buying glasses today was expensive and an investment in my sight and my fashion. I’ve decided I need to replace my warped lenses (too much heat) and lean into something funny and different. I’m talking with colleague B in 15 minutes about writing circles. Need to get them set up. Will sign off for now. Off to do a task. : )

M

(And I’m experiencing events as big feelings and the bridge between the events is the narrative. And the big experiences are like bursts and waves of energy. So the narrative can really get interesting around the bursts and waves of energy, it can try to flow against the push against them. Or it can flow.)